Understanding the science of self-talk: how your inner critics shape thoughts and behaviour

If you told someone that you talk to yourself, chances are they would think you were an oddball. Which is strange because

we all have a voice in our head that talks to us constantly.

Our inner storytellers help us make sense of the world and in the process shape our life, work, and relationships. 

We are often unaware of the existence of our inner storytellers, despite the fact that they are often directing our mindset. The decisions you make and consequently the life you lead is informed by how you perceive the world. What informs your perceptions are the collective layers of stories that you tell yourself about reality. Stories compiled from your values, biases, judgments, and past experiences. The authors and narrators of these stories are your authentic self and your inner critics. 

Our inner storytellers constantly talk, assess, assume, and predict our every waking moment. They tell us what to think, how to behave, who we are, who we are not, what we should and must do, and what we can and cannot do. At any point in time, the story you are telling yourself determines your mood, the choices you make, and how you behave and interact with others. 

When we talk to ourselves, we are often hoping to tap into some wisdom or advice; hoping that we get to hear our authentic self, championing us to try something new. Sadly, more often, the storyteller we hear is an alliance of harsh inner critics who motivate us through anxiety, stress, fear, judgment, and other unkind self-talk. These inner critics operate based on fear of what could happen next. In order to keep us safe, they are constantly alert and try to predict every bad thing that could possibly occur in our lives. They hold us back from change and from moving towards the vision we have for our lives.

You may be wondering why most of us tend to hear our inner critics more than our authentic self. The answer lies in the scientific makeup of our brain. In basic terms, our thoughts are divided into those informed by the rational, fact-driven, logical frontal lobe and the emotionally driven, reactive, threat detection and response limbic part of the brain, home of the universal inner critic, the judge.

When we feel threatened, the limbic part of our brain becomes activated, and we go into survival mode.  According to Daniel Goleman in his book Working with Emotional Intelligence, we are constantly scanning our environment looking for threats.

He shares, “The amygdala, an almond-shaped part of the limbic brain, stands guard, like an emotional sentinel, challenging every situation, every perception, with only the most primitive question in mind. ‘Is this something I hate? Is this something that will hurt me? Is this something I should fear?’”

If the event, moment, or person at hand triggers a ‘yes’ to any of these questions, the amygdala reacts instantaneously, like a neural tripwire, telegraphing a message of crisis to all parts of the brain. When the amygdala senses a threat, it sounds an alarm, and our entire system prepares for survival. This means that your brain and body jump into action: generating negative, fear-based, automated patterns in your mind for how to think, feel, and respond in that situation in order to survive the immediate danger.

Our brains can’t tell the difference between a threat to our physical survival and a threat to our ego or identity, so this part of our brain automatically takes control of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviour in stressful situations before the frontal lobe has time to consider the situation logically and rationally.

According to Dr. John Montgomery Ph.D. in “Survival Mode and Evolutionary Mismatch,” published in Psychology Today, “The human body has a natural primal instinct to survive. The brain is, in effect, tricked, typically unconsciously, into unnecessary states of survival mode, such as fear of relinquishing, not because of actual survival-threatening circumstances, but because our brains confuse our evolutionary past with our modern circumstances.”

When we operate from this state of mind, we are in the grip of a highly efficient, but prehistoric set of physiological responses. Responses that are designed to keep us safe and in a state of familiarity. The inner storytellers driving these responses are our inner critics, who tend to be emotional, like to find something or someone to blame, and are hyper-focused on seeing signs of danger and keeping us within our comfort zone. 

Self-awareness requires that we notice the stories told to us by our inner storytellers and the extent to which they influence our thoughts, behaviour, and how we move through the world. We know that the brainstem and limbic system are the first to respond when we are confronted with an event, situation, or person, so it makes sense that the majority of stories in our respective inner libraries have been narrated by our inner critics, designed to protect, and keep us safe, and not by our authentic self. 

Most of us have never reflected on these stories, so we repeat them over and over until they eventually turn into beliefs. Beliefs intertwine with our emotions as they travel across the synapses in our brain until they reach the frontal lobe. There, the sensory information enters our conscious awareness, acting as an internal command centre for our brain. Essentially telling us what is “true” about a situation, circumstance, or a person, impacting our feelings and behaviour. 

Beliefs can be formed in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. They most often form when we experience painful experiences, particularly in our younger years. Stories and beliefs can also be passed down to us through our culture, society, friends, acquaintances, caregivers, and family. Our parents give us beliefs from the stories about things that happened to them often before we were even born, which become a subconscious part of our belief system even though it has nothing to do with us. This is how stories and beliefs are passed down from generation to generation until someone decides to get curious and work through the story and belief. 

We encounter problems as adults when the negative stories turn into limiting beliefs because they subconsciously prevent us from evolving. These limiting beliefs, driven by our inner critics, often drag us down because they focus our attention on fear and worst-case scenarios. They motivate us through fear, judgment, shame, anxiety, regret, and obligation. They make us think that our past is the reality of our future and prevent us from taking risks.

When your mind is overrun with limiting beliefs, it affects every cell in your body. It affects the energy you bring into a room, the choices you make, the food you eat, the people you surround yourself with, and the life you live. You make decisions that limit your potential and keep you small. Your inner critics stop you from going on that run, cause the insecurity that takes over when you step on stage to deliver a speech and are at the root of the self-doubt that wakes you up at 3 am replaying the conversation you had with a colleague.

As you discover yourself more deeply, resist the urge to fix or get rid of your inner critics.

They are not something you should be ashamed of. Imagine a three-year-old child who is crying and demanding food from their parents when they are hungry. They don't know any better than to cry to get their needs met. They haven't learned yet how to regulate their emotions and are not emotionally developed enough to behave the same way an adult would get their basic needs met so they cry and cry until someone listens and gives them food. Think of your inner critics as that three-year-old who, in a desperate attempt to get their needs met, screams, reacts, and provokes negative emotional reactions and responses from you. 

The intention of your inner critics is to protect you, be it physically or emotionally. This is why whenever you are faced with a perceived threat or a fear of the unknown, your inner critics build stories around the event in order to help you feel safe. They don’t want to expose you to danger and fear, but they don’t have the skillful, emotional wherewithal to logically assess the situation, or realise that you are no longer in need of their protection. Your inner critics are simply unskillful, and they think they are doing a good job by shielding you from danger, disappointment, rejection, criticism, ridicule, or failure. They don’t realise how they are limiting your stretch and potential. 

The truth is, you can never get rid of your inner critics no matter how hard you try, but you can turn down their volume. They are wired inside of you and their function is to protect you. They live in the brainstem and limbic system, so to get rid of these parts would be to get rid of your human experience. 

Instead, focus your time and effort on learning how to work with your inner critics to move through these limiting beliefs and create the opportunities you want for yourself.