How to be kinder to yourself

We spend so much of our lives trying to fit in and be liked. For me, that meant making myself smaller or becoming a chameleon to avoid drawing attention. While this might work when you’re young and figuring out the world, it’s not a sustainable way to live authentically and happily.

At some point, you need to find the confidence to know yourself. The first step? Building a solid relationship with yourself. Let go of what you think others want from you and start focusing on what truly matters to you.

You know all that time and energy you spend thinking about others? Redirect even a fraction of it toward yourself, and you’re already on the right path.

Here’s what’s worked for me:

Be kind to yourself in tough times

Imagine your friend comes to you feeling really low. What do you do? Most likely, you listen, reassure them, and offer support. Now, imagine you’re the one struggling. How do you treat yourself? Bottle it up? Tell yourself to toughen up? Compare yourself to others? That’s not fair, is it? Treat yourself like you would a friend: with kindness and patience. The next time you’re struggling, ask yourself: “How would I treat a friend?” Then, treat yourself the same way.

Change the relationship with your inner critic

A few years ago, I asked my therapist why I was always so hard on myself. I was frustrated, sad, and feeling stuck. She told me, “That voice is your inner child trying to protect you.” In that moment, something clicked for me. Our brains are wired to keep us safe. The unknown isn’t safe (not according to your brain, at least). So when we’re about to try something new or take a risk, our inner narrative often holds us back.

I wish I could say that voice disappeared for me that day, but it didn’t and probably never will. The difference now is how I approach it. When that voice pops up, I respond with compassion, better understanding where the fear or doubt might be coming from. And rather than accept this voice as my truth, I say, “Thanks for looking out for me, but I’m good. I’ve got this.”

Celebrate small wins

Recently, I felt like I wasn’t achieving much or adding much value to different areas of my life. So, I made a list of everything I’d done that week. Morning workout? Check. Groceries? Check. Walked the dogs? Check. Met with a client? Check. These small acts add up, and recognising them reminded me of how much I accomplish but often overlook. Our wins don’t need to result in a life-altering path. They are the everyday choices we make that align with our values and help build a more authentic life. And that win looks different every week.

A useful method for all of the above? Journal

Journalling is so underhyped! I don’t journal every day but try to at least once a week. Sometimes my entries are mundane, looking back on the past few days and jotting down things I want to remember. But some days, it helps me break through a barrier. Just this week, I was being so down on myself. I wrote down all the things it felt like I wasn’t doing and reached a point where I said, “Enough is enough. Stop being so hard on yourself.” I took my own advice and asked, what if a friend came to me with the same problem? Where is this inner criticism stemming from? Have I looked at all the things I have achieved?

Journalling is like therapy for me. Sometimes it takes writing your thoughts onto paper to put things into perspective and let go of unfair and intrusive thoughts. Or at least, decide on an action plan if there is any truth to them.

With that in mind, Intogreat has an awesome journal available that you can rely on as your daily companion for growth.

What are some of your practices for building a friendship with yourself?