The value of conflict in healthy relationships

Typically, couples approach a relationship coach such as me when they encounter a form of discord within their partnership that they find challenging to resolve. The majority perceive conflict as a negative occurrence and strive to eliminate it swiftly to restore normalcy. However, conflict is far more complex than a mere dispute over right or wrong.

What if you change your perception on conflict as an invitation to do things differently than before? This shift could lead to a new status quo that benefits both partners.

Conflict is an invitation to re-negotiate relationship dynamics.

My initial step in addressing a conflict situation is to get to the root of the conflict: Is it a clash of values, a disparity in needs, or a disagreement over how a particular need should be satisfied? In my experience, I've found that couples often share the same fundamental needs. However, they frequently hold divergent views on how these needs should be fulfilled. This discrepancy can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.

For example, I once coached a couple that had different ways to unwind from a stressful day at work. Person A’s idea of relaxation was sitting together on the couch and talking about the day’s events. Person B preferred to sit alone in silence, playing video games.  

Most people approach conflict in one of two ways:

1. The winner-loser strategy. In this scenario, one person gets their way, and the other person loses the argument.  

2. The second strategy (the one that is also most often used in professional settings) is the compromise approach. Here, both parties strive to minimise their losses or maximise their gains, attempting to find a middle ground. However, this often leads to a situation where neither party is entirely content nor fulfilled. It's like splitting the difference, and while it may seem fair on the surface, it can leave both parties feeling somewhat short-changed.

But what if there is a better strategy in which both parties win?

The win-win strategy

 For the win-win strategy to be effective, certain prerequisites must be met by all parties involved. Firstly, there must be a mutual agreement and acceptance that everyone has an equal right to have their needs fulfilled within the relationship. Secondly, there should be a collective agreement and commitment to strive towards a win-win resolution.  

It's only when these conditions are met that we can commence the process of conflict resolution.