Understanding self-worth: Building a foundation of love and acceptance

Sometimes we mistake self-esteem for self-worth. Self-esteem is what we think, feel, and believe about ourselves.

Self-worth is the deep understanding that we are worthy of love and belonging and that we deserve it no matter what. Just as we are. No matter how well we fit in or what anyone else thinks.

We don’t need to earn self-worth by proving ourselves or pleasing others. Our worthiness isn't rooted in our actions such as being a great parent or being successful in our career.

We are who we are, not what we do, and that is the centre of our self-worth. 

Self-worth is crucial not only to our sense of who we are but also to the relationships we form as adults. In my experience with clients, I have found that people who outwardly appear to be confident and stable, are the ones most lacking in self-worth. Low self-worth shows up when you dig into their intimate relationships and hear stories of dysfunction and damage. 

Self-worth is the bedrock of intimate relationships. In intimate relationships, you need to show up and be something for someone else. Your worth becomes the gift you give to those you love deeply, and if you don’t have that gift to give, your relationships suffer. 

Self-worth is fostered and forged, first, through strong, loving relationships within the family. We look to our family of origin to show us how to cultivate a strong sense of self-worth in a conscious, healthy, and loving manner. The ability of our parents to model and help us develop a strong sense of worth is dependent on how they were parented. An individual can only do the best they can with the level of self-awareness, education, and emotional maturity they have, which is why compassion is encouraged when looking back at your childhood.  

When a parent or caregiver doesn't have the capacity to value, attune, listen, and validate our own unique experiences, we struggle to build a sense of self. Unfortunately, what often happens is that we start to realise that the innate qualities that make up our self-worth are not recognised or valued, so we shut them off. 

We become reliant on others to fill a void, or we numb to escape the feeling of rejection. It’s almost like there is a hole where our core should be, often leaving us feeling fundamentally broken, and leading to a life spent trying to fill the void. What I have learned from personal experience is that society is expert at selling stuff to fill this void. They are temporary fixes. The void can only be filled through a deep love for yourself.  

It’s not until we become adults that we can take responsibility for learning how to nourish our sense of self-worth. Through working with hundreds of clients, I have found that self-worth can benefit from improved self-compassion, body image, and the relationships you have with others. Given that self-worth is an overall judgment of how much you like yourself and your feeling of worthiness, when you have low self-worth focusing on the opinion you hold of yourself and how you see yourself has the power to build a healthy sense of worth. 

Nelson Mandela once famously said that “words can change lives.”

Becoming more aware of your inner storytellers and the words and language you use to describe yourself, has the power to not only heal but also to build a solid foundation of self-worth for your life. 

Affirmations are a neuroscience technique that reshape your brain by creating and strengthening strong neural pathways of positive thinking. Used consistently and properly they can help increase your confidence and sense of self-worth. Affirmations are intended to build a habit of speaking to yourself with love, kindness, and respect.

Repeating an affirmation can feel silly and uncomfortable at first, but once you choose thoughts that empower you, you will gradually feel an internal shift in your sense of self-worth. Some examples include, “I am a good person,” “I am kind toward others,” “I am worthy, and I deserve to have my needs met,” and “I am capable of creating my success.”

Imagine what is possible for your life if you swapped critical self-talk for words of compassion.